BENGALS BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE MARVIN

There are some adages in this society of ours that I will never, ever buy into. For instance, the one that says that dog owners have a tendency to take on the look and properties of their pets.

That is utter crap.

I mean really, if Halle Berry bought a bulldog, then does that mean that she's going to grow jowls, lay on the couch and slobber? Seriously.

Although, if she did grow jowls, lay on the couch and slobber, 90% of the American male population would still date her--including me. I'm not above that. I don't care what that says about me.

One of the older adages in sports is one that says that a team tends to take on the attitude of it's coach.

I've never bought into that. It is just too hard to comprehend that a group of 30, 40 or even 50 players from all walks of life, with different types of backgrounds, would all exhibit the attitudinal properties of one individual--no matter how great a leader that one individual is.

But as I watched the Bengals get dismantled by the Patriots on MNF this week, I began to watch the shot of Marvin Lewis on the sideline. Hey, at that point it was more interesting than watching Randy Moss catch another TD pass from Brady, while a hopelessly helpless Leon Hall looked on.

What I noticed was that this year's version of the Bengals really does seem to imitate it's coach. Let's review.

Marvin walks around wounded on the sideline due to achilles surgery. The linebacking corps walk around wounded as well. In fact, even Hawkeye Pierce couldn't help that mash unit. The Bengals might end up creating a linebacker-less defense this Sunday out of necessity. They ended the game with 2 linebackers in uni's. Uh, I never played NFL football, but I'm pretty sure that ain't good.

Marvin walks with only one crutch, so as to give himself a bit of mobility and the slightest hope that he soon will be functioning normally again. The offense has certain drives where they get into good rhythm, then finish it off with a TD. That gives fans the hope that they will turn things around and begin functioning normally. Unfortunately, they will then immediately rack up several yellow hankies in a row, or have terrible play calling, or have a turnover that rips that hope from the fans almost as quickly as it appeared.

Marvin gets frustrated when things aren't executed, then bickers with his coaches (either on the sideline or in the press box). T.J. gets frustrated when the ball isn't thrown to him on every play, then comes to the sideline and bickers with Marvin, or offensive coordinator, telling them to call his number everytime. He's open. Even when he's not, he is. Book it. Just throw him the damn ball.

Oh, wait....that last comment was regarding a different receiver. My apologies. T.J. hasn't written his literary masterpiece yet. But I'm sure it is coming.

After the game, Marvin threw a profanity laced tirade at his players in the locker room. Most every word could be easily made out by the press waiting patiently in the hall. During Monday night's game, Carson got in Chad's face and they threw profanity laced (presumably) tirades at each other.

I can only imagine how that one went down:

Carson: What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to cut in on the post.
Chad: What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to throw the fade.
Carson: Fade? Why the f*** would I do that? We aren't close enough for you to head to the corner for a fade.
Chad: (Waving hands wildly and pointing) Do you know who you are talking to? Do you f*** know? I'm f***** Ocho Cinco baby! Future Hall of Famer. I've got the jacket to prove it.
Carson: You can't name yourself a damn number. Who do you think you are? Prince.
Chad: No! Did you not just hear what I damn said? I'm Ocho Cinco. F**** Ocho Cinco!
Carson: No. You didn't hear what I just said. You can't name yourself after your jersey number dips***!
Chad: What did you just call me? What the hell do you know? You went to a damn party school in the f**** Pac-10, bitch.
Carson: So did you! What conference do you think Oregon is in?
Chad: (Silence. Thinking hard.) Oh yeah. You're right. (Silence) What the hell were we arguing about again?
Carson: (thinking hard himself) Uhhh. I don't remember.
Chad: Alright. So next red zone opp, we go fade to the corner?
Carson: (Exasperated) Yeah. Whatever.

Let's just hope that pretty soon the Bengals start taking on the only Marvin attitude that truly matters to this city and its fans: Superbowl winning coach.