The Rumors Are True

One of the greatest things about being a sports addict here in the Queen City is all the opportunities to write, discuss, kvetch, and just flat-out argue about rumors that pop up like weeds regarding our sports franchises.

But while listening to yet another endless discussion on the effect of Ocho Cinco, I had an epiphany: What if there were no rumors? What if all the rumors were truth?

What would the 'Nati sports landscape look like if every time that some wild rumor was discussed, it happened? No matter how "out there" it may be, it came to pass.

Here's what we would have folks (and the inevitable ramifications):

REDS

Adam Dunn would have been traded to the California...uh, Anaheim...uh, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim back in July, for a pitching version of Ken Griffey, Jr. (a.k.a. Bartolo Colon) and some draft picks. The Reds would've been forced to finish the 2007 season with an outfield of Josh Hamilton in CF, Norris Hopper in LF, & the original Ken Griffey, Jr. in RF. Griff suffers his every-year-inevitable injury. The last few weeks he's replaced by a platoon of Buck Coats/Jason Ellison/a bag of balls and a six-pack of beer. Basically, it has no affect on the actual outcome of the 2007 season.

The hole left in LF by the Dunn trade is easily rectified in the off season. New manager Dusty Baker convinces management to spend some of the money saved by getting rid of Dunn's contract on Barry Bonds. He is installed as the every day left fielder, instantly making the Reds the worst defensive outfield in baseball. The Reds are forced to keep every other available outfielder, plus former catcher Javier Valentin on the roster to rotate in CF. Not because of poor hitting, but because they have to have a fresh set of legs in CF to shag down flies anywhere in the ballpark, considering that there are two Fathead-like posters in both LF and RF.

The Reds end the 2008 season with the longest DL list in the history of baseball, as all that tried CF went down with leg injuries, along with Bonds (knee injury) and Griffey, Jr. (pick a body part). The only thing left is the bag of balls and six pack of beer that ended the 2007 in RF.

Griffey, Jr. of the mound, Bartolo Colon, pitches two games, gets shelled, pulls a muscle and isn't heard from for a month. He returns, pitches one game, hurts rotator cuff, isn't heard from for two months. After rest, he returns again--fifty pounds heavier from the recovery buffet and no exercise, throws 4 innings, his arm detaches from his elbow and lands in the lap of a perfectly nice old lady in the third row. She has a heart attack and dies. Headline in the Enquirer the next morning reads: Long Arm of Bartolo Strikes Again!

(In a related story: Homer Bailey also loses his arm, as Baker forces him to pitch 2,000 innings because Baker doesn't trust his bullpen.)

Only highlight is that the money saved from Dunn's traded contract and both Bonds and Griffey, Jr.'s expiring contracts, the Reds trade bag of balls and a six-pack of beer (who had a breakout season), for Johann Santana. (Alright, alright. This isn't an actual rumor that is going around. But I'm starting now myself in hopes that 2009 will be brighter.)

BENGALS

Ocho Cinco is traded to division rival Baltimore for a load of draft picks. Chris Henry can't completely fill the void left by Cinco. T.J. Housmandzadeh is double-teamed from that point on. His production slows to a crawl, and he is finally put on IR after an injury suffered in a double team, sandwich-style hit at the hands of the Steelers. Needless to say, the wide receiving corps suffers.

The linebackers and defense still suck (Hey! Ocho has never had anything to do with that.) The Bengals don't make the playoffs again.

Marvin Lewis' hot seat burns too hot and he is fired. But since PBS still sells out no matter what, Mike Brown decides to revert to his old ways. He rehires old favorite Bruce Coslett, jacks ticket prices up another 10% for 2008, uses the draft picks they received in the trade for Ocho Cinco to select untalented schmos from colleges that no one has heard of, then lowballs them on contract offers. Not one of them gets signed.

Carson says "screw it" and walks away from football altogether. He's last heard to be a firefighter in San Diego becoming a hero by putting out forest fires.

Akili Smith is signed as free agent to be starting quarterback.

BEARCAT FOOTBALL

New Bearcat coach Brian Kelly reinvigorates the city, and the alumni, by bringing a fierce energy and pride not seen by Bearcat fans in ages. He begins the 2007 season with a perfect 6-0 record. That's when Michigan comes calling, looking for replacement for embattled (and retiring) Lloyd Carr.

In an under-the-cover-of-darkness-Colts-moving-out-of-Baltimore-to-Indianapolis type maneuver, Kelly packs up his family and breaks out for Ann Arbor. It leaves the football program without a head figure for the first time in its history.

The rest of the 2007 season is cancelled. This gives President Nancy Zimpher the opening she has always longed for. She dismantles the football program entirely, citing the financial strains it puts on the university, and that the money formerly spent on the football program will now be spent to further the completely unintelligible UC21 plan.

She makes history for being the first university president to run out of town the beloved, legendary basketball coach and dismantle an entire sports program in the first three years of her tenure. Congrats.

XAVIER

They still don't have football. (And no, I'm not starting that one!)